I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
