peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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