we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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