i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
