My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
