I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you made out with another girl for some wings
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
