I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
