her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
