i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
