I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Did I show you my penis last night?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
