not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I will be naked everywhere
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
