guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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