I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
