Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
