new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
