I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
