Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i love accidental penises.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
