I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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