STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
