oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
