I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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