I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You pole danced in your parka.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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