Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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