new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
