i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize