Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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