New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
