I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
