speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
