sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize