3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
