people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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