I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
