gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
