just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We have started to decorate penises.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
