can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
