apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
