Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
