You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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