Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
