ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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