when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
