This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
