Little spoons don't ask big questions
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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