Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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