im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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