This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
