I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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