Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Your penis caused this!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
