I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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