shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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