if only i could text you this smell
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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