Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
