Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
