I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
