if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
smell my finger.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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