CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
