I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
