After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
